Politicians are a bunch of skanky twats

.. but im sure you were hoping to hear something new.


these days i tend to lose track of the days, but luckily twitters little trending topics feature keeps me updated with any important key notes for the day.

Apparently, today is eu election day. (on a quick side note, spot the comical automated spam messages) I didnt realise this, which pretty much sums up how much ive been anticipating it. It's not that i don't care its just that looking at my options, theyre all the same: All my opinions will be made for me by a guy i've never met and theres no guarantee im going to like all of them.

I'll probably be hated for this but personally i think democracy is a bit of a joke in its current state. It seems to me the ballot paper is some kind of gimmick to make you feel better, and for the politicians to have a fun little competition over. The single tick i give on a ballot paper does *not* represent all my thoughts, opinions and suggestions for the state of the country, what we stand for and what we should be doing. It's just my authorisation to delegate this to somebody who is apparently, in his own boastful egocentric words, far more responsible, trustworthy, intelligent, experienced, caring, educated, aware, charmingly handsome and generally more capable at solving all societies problems than anyone else in the country. As if such human beings could possibly exist.

I probably wouldn't mind so much if it were possible for everyones subtley different opinions to be catergorised comfortably into a small handful of political packages. At least then i could vote for a party that apparently shares ALL my views, as could everyone else, and politics would be efficiently easy.

On trending topics someone posted a link to a very helpful website, that essentially demonstrates this problem.

Well, as i suspected, the truth is my closest (i emphasise closest) 'result' did not match me particularly closely. Ok so you agree it would be nice for doctors to access my records in an emergency but i disagree with your attitude to international peacekeeping missions, oooh.. conflicts..

Whilst doing the questionnaire though, a very important question crosses my mind.

Where are all the answers to these questions going?

They're going to a server, which is going to compute which of the given political packages in my area most closely approximates my opinions on the above given topics.. so that i can cast a vote which may or may not contribute to the choice of a politician who will then paraphrase most of the answers of his voters, if it suits him.

but wait.. why dont you just send all my- and everyone elses- answers straight to the EU, and make your little pie charts straight from that? after all, a lot of us probably agree on the same core topics anyway?
you know what, fuck the middle man. Why should the middle man's opinions override mine? and if we must have one, why do we all have to share one? and whats the middle man doing anyway except buying houses? if 70% of the country have stated they think something is right or wrong, surely (if democracy is followed) all thats left is to implement it? i which case should we really be selecting implementors based on their opinions, rather than straight up competance? in which case shouldn't we start replacing elections with intelligence tests?

One day, one day people.. i'll be the government and then you'll all see..

Prepare for glory!

This last week there's been a shuttle mission going on, carryng out the final repairs to the hubble telescope. It's been streamed on NasaTV, which i was watching everyday until i discovered you can just watch the edited highlights on youtube.

After work done over the 5 spacewalks, several with various technical difficulties (read: the fucking latch wouldn't open) and technical solutions (read: just ripped the bloody handrail off), the hubble was all fixed and ready to go again.

On flight day 9, the crew released the hubble telescope from the shuttle's payload bay and the two machines began drifting their seperate ways. I'd like to emphasise 'drifting' is meant relative to each other.. they're actually both travelling around 17,000 mph.

Anyway, like most of the Spacewalk videos i think it's pretty beautiful, especially in HD (which this is also available in) so i'm linking it in the blog.




Planned landing is friday, but theyre still putting up video and Astro_Mike is still tweeting (Mike is the guy filming everything and interviews scooter in the 'scooters corner' feature)

Think i just watched one of the most embarrasing interviews on TV.

For those of you who cant face watching it all, i've written out the whole dialogue below- though i've slightly paraphrased it since the dialogue doesnt quite cover everything.




DS: Hey there susan, great to have you! so are.. oh god.. so, are you happy these days?

SB: huh? OH MAN its started, think of something to say.. ANYTHING..

DS: wtf did u just say? ok we're obviously talking different languages here.. ill just speak loudly and slowly and maybe you'll understand me..

SB: Haha, ergh, shit.. ok ill just keep acting like lonely quiet woman.. thats my image.. they'll love it

DS: oh god i didnt understand that, this slow talking isnt helping.. plus shes ugly so shes obviously stupider than me.. ok ill use lots of face expression and body language and maybe she'll pick up on me..

SB: /fake laugh um, i dont like these questions.

DS: heh heh, thats great.. ..whatever it was you just said.
DS: ok, ill ask a question about sex life.. i mean in america people are always getting famous to come on tv and boast about that, right? huh, she's never kissed anyone? is that some british joke..?

SB: shit shes asking about the.. about the bad experience.. please, i dont need to remember this..

DS: she really IS being honest about the failures of her love life.. this doesnt fit in with American values at all! my training hasn't prepared me for this... AAWKWAARRRDD...
DS: ok what about money. EVERYONE loves talking about their money, right?

SB: No, not really.

DS: Are u a commie? No i cant say that.. lets say your superstitious.. yeh.. you must be superstitious, right?

SB: something like that.

DS: right. just keep saying 'fair enough', diane.. whatever it takes to keep u looking open minded..
DS: finally i can say this: i cannot BELIEVE they let you come on TV looking like that. i mean in MY country we dont let anyone go NEAR a camera without making sure theyve been fitted with half a ton of plastic enhancements and enough chemicals to be classified a toxic hazard. we call it a MAKEOVER. i mean, god

SB: oh. really. do they now.. those beautiful people. *jealous twitch* im not jealous.. but you'll have to wait n see.. cuz i might do it anyway

DS: so. your mates? if u had any? wow.

SB: yeh i think they were gobsmacked.

DS: hah!!! did i just made out a word!? its that weirdass one ive heard brits use! brill!

SB: whew! i said something she liked! i better say it again..

DS: yeh ok, shut up.

DS: right, the family unit moment.

SB: yeh i know what to say here, ive seen it at oscars. thanks for supporting me, *wave*

DS: ok so lets imagine you blonde, in leather, and, oh man, i cant believe im even kidding myself with this..

SB: /embarrased laugh heh.. oh, yeh, i know the type u mean

DS: er.. LOL! UR DANCE LOOKS CRAP

SB: er.. dance?

DS: thatARE YOU BEING RUDE TO ME i mean yeh that dance you did that looks stupid.. thankgod for botox

SB: oh.. did i just do that..? oh i hate television.. Lets just.. let me keep my dignity here. i dont have much

DS: yeah.. ladylike? did u seriously ask ME to keep it ladylike? well anyway. i see your fans sent you some stuff. that was nice of them. whats it say?

SB: welldone, and good luck.
SB: um, maybe if i stand still, it'll make a comedy silence..

DS: right. thats it, right? hey you know what? i cant be asked to wait for my proper exit so im gonna use that right now!! later, susan!!

SB: bye. YAY

With enough stupid sound effects you can get away with anything pt 2

1. firstly, you've obviously grossly misunderstood the concept of cooking. when this stuff is processed and prepared properly (i.e. NOT raw and hairy, and mixed into a hot dog) it is apparently quite acceptable. and ive never heard of anyone dying from any of it.

2. this, gillian, is what we call the other stuff on the pig. that's right, when you kill an animal you dont just get the flesh, you literally get the full works of animal parts. what do u expect the slaughterhouses to do with it all? do you seriously think by telling people not to eat it it's just going to dissappear? cuz the pigs dont really have much of a choice about growing them you know..

3. by discouraging people from buying products with this stuff in, you're putting pressure on farmers to produce more flesh to make up the difference. this means the farmer has to produce more animals.. for the same price though of course, because people are only buying the same quantity of end product. how can anyone expect farmers to practice expensive high quality farming methods (eg organic) and then insist on being so wasteful with the product?!

4. At least all these 'additives' you have 'revealed' to us are bloody NATURAL, and have probably been eaten by our ancestors for centuries. show me the effects of sodium benzoate on body organs or hydrogenated fats on cells and i will start seeing your point!!

Humans are great..

OMFG a red button!

What you're actually looking at here is the big red 'ABORT' button for a huge laboratory machine that is going to make a baby star. with lasers. For real, peeps.


(Y'know, the kind of big red abort button they DIDN'T have in half life or watchmen or various other experiments that were doomed to go wrong, because the writers had actually anticipated someone getting trapped inside..)

'Fuck my life'

No dont worry folks, im not having another pathetic emo day!

whats happened is i've found a whole website full of some of the most surreal and amusing stories of other people's everyday suffering. Here's a few:

Today, I was in the supermarket and I see this little boy trying to reach for something on the top shelf. I proceed to go over to him and ask if his mom knows where he is. The boy turns around and turns out he was actually a very angry midget. FML

Today, I drove past a firehouse that had volunteer firemen taking collections. I take out a $20 and start to roll the window down when I remember my window was broken. I ended up driving by, holding the $20 against the window, staring at the fireman. Now the fireman thinks I was taunting him. FML

Today, I was at the aquarium with my boyfriend. I ran to my favorite section: the petting section and started petting a sea slug. My boyfriend eventually came up next to me and I jokingly told him "this feels a lot like your cock". When I turned to him, it was a random 10 year old boy. FML

Today, I had to re-take an hour long MRI scan because I got an erection midway through. FML

Today, I was walking back to my home in the city in the dark. I'm paranoid, so when I saw movement behind me I clutched my mace. The faster I walked, the closer the person seemed to be. I spun around and sprayed my attacker with mace. It was my shadow and the wind blew the mace back into eyes. FML

Today, I was visiting my grandmother's house. She keeps the thermostat on 85 and after about 30 minutes I explained to her "I'm going to have to leave, it's just too hot in here". She replied: "You think it's hot in here, wait until you get to hell." I laughed. She didn't. FML

Today, I celebrated my 21st birthday. My boyfriend of almost 3 years gave me a big pink vibrator. Thinking it was a joke I said: "I won't need this as long as I have you!" His reply: "That's what I wanted to talk to you about." FML

Today, as I was walking into CVS, two older men outside said to me "Young lady, please consider us on your way out." Thinking they were hitting on me, I rolled my eyes and said "Screw you." When I walked back outside, I realized they were asking for AIDS donations. FML

Today, I had horrible pains in my stomache area so I went to the doctors. They couldn't find anything wrong and sent me to the Emergency Room for X-rays. After spending the entire day in the hospital, they tell me I'm slightly constipated. I had to pay $400 to find out I had to take a shit. FML

Today, my mom scooped the litter box right before I went to work. I brown bagged my lunch this morning. She brown bagged the poop from the litter box. Both were on the counter. Guess which one I brought to work? FML

If you think that's a lot of woe, check out the actual website.

LuckyNo4 has permission to be a smug bastard

As long as he pays me to advertise for him..

Since leaving the surreal experience of uni, we've all dispersed into the world in various different ways. It's surprising how irrelevant your performance at uni is in relation to where you'll go after. Some folks got 'proper jobs', some got 'temp jobs' and some folks are still happy getting maximum use out of their bedrooms. And when you look at who makes up each category, it seems our qualifications have absolutely no bearing on any of it.

Some folks left uni still not sure how to even install Photoshop. I'd love to say he's a retard, but i'd be about to contradict myself- in the end, once LuckyNo4 had worked out how to use the program, he turned out to be a bit of a fucking pro!

He's now got a facebook group to prove it, and a glossy looking finalcrit page. Oh- and did i not mention- he's kinda a Valentino Rossi fan.. oh and he likes bikes.. so theres kinda a strong theme going on.

Well, he's put them up for sale. You can now buy prints- put them on your wall, your wardrobe, the ceiling, the bathroom door- wherever in your house you want to feel like motogp heroes are flashing past you, all the time. Without the going deaf or getting sunburn, of course.

Click the pic to check em out..