Think i just watched one of the most embarrasing interviews on TV.

For those of you who cant face watching it all, i've written out the whole dialogue below- though i've slightly paraphrased it since the dialogue doesnt quite cover everything.




DS: Hey there susan, great to have you! so are.. oh god.. so, are you happy these days?

SB: huh? OH MAN its started, think of something to say.. ANYTHING..

DS: wtf did u just say? ok we're obviously talking different languages here.. ill just speak loudly and slowly and maybe you'll understand me..

SB: Haha, ergh, shit.. ok ill just keep acting like lonely quiet woman.. thats my image.. they'll love it

DS: oh god i didnt understand that, this slow talking isnt helping.. plus shes ugly so shes obviously stupider than me.. ok ill use lots of face expression and body language and maybe she'll pick up on me..

SB: /fake laugh um, i dont like these questions.

DS: heh heh, thats great.. ..whatever it was you just said.
DS: ok, ill ask a question about sex life.. i mean in america people are always getting famous to come on tv and boast about that, right? huh, she's never kissed anyone? is that some british joke..?

SB: shit shes asking about the.. about the bad experience.. please, i dont need to remember this..

DS: she really IS being honest about the failures of her love life.. this doesnt fit in with American values at all! my training hasn't prepared me for this... AAWKWAARRRDD...
DS: ok what about money. EVERYONE loves talking about their money, right?

SB: No, not really.

DS: Are u a commie? No i cant say that.. lets say your superstitious.. yeh.. you must be superstitious, right?

SB: something like that.

DS: right. just keep saying 'fair enough', diane.. whatever it takes to keep u looking open minded..
DS: finally i can say this: i cannot BELIEVE they let you come on TV looking like that. i mean in MY country we dont let anyone go NEAR a camera without making sure theyve been fitted with half a ton of plastic enhancements and enough chemicals to be classified a toxic hazard. we call it a MAKEOVER. i mean, god

SB: oh. really. do they now.. those beautiful people. *jealous twitch* im not jealous.. but you'll have to wait n see.. cuz i might do it anyway

DS: so. your mates? if u had any? wow.

SB: yeh i think they were gobsmacked.

DS: hah!!! did i just made out a word!? its that weirdass one ive heard brits use! brill!

SB: whew! i said something she liked! i better say it again..

DS: yeh ok, shut up.

DS: right, the family unit moment.

SB: yeh i know what to say here, ive seen it at oscars. thanks for supporting me, *wave*

DS: ok so lets imagine you blonde, in leather, and, oh man, i cant believe im even kidding myself with this..

SB: /embarrased laugh heh.. oh, yeh, i know the type u mean

DS: er.. LOL! UR DANCE LOOKS CRAP

SB: er.. dance?

DS: thatARE YOU BEING RUDE TO ME i mean yeh that dance you did that looks stupid.. thankgod for botox

SB: oh.. did i just do that..? oh i hate television.. Lets just.. let me keep my dignity here. i dont have much

DS: yeah.. ladylike? did u seriously ask ME to keep it ladylike? well anyway. i see your fans sent you some stuff. that was nice of them. whats it say?

SB: welldone, and good luck.
SB: um, maybe if i stand still, it'll make a comedy silence..

DS: right. thats it, right? hey you know what? i cant be asked to wait for my proper exit so im gonna use that right now!! later, susan!!

SB: bye. YAY