Instructions:

Go to this page.

Locate your hometown, or where ever you live, and nuke it with the weapon of your choice- but at some point, make sure you try out the tsar bomba.

Then, watch this video:






Now, reflect in the fact that this is only half the power of the originally intended design..



P.S. This is NOT the last post. the last post is yet to come

Crunch Time

Personnel #1 Right, peeps. we give Subject xs2y-356 one more blog, cuz she's been drafting it a while, then we close the file.

Personnel #2 Close the file? so no more blogs?

Personnel #1 Yep

Personnel #2 Ok. did we get all the information we need?

Personnel #1 Nope, we didn't get ANY information we need, thats why i want to close this stupid profile.

Personnel #2 Ergh, lame. I KNEW it was a gay idea.

Personnel #1 I know, but we tried

Personnel #2 So, whats going to happen to Subject x345 thingymebob?

Personnel #1 XS2Y-356? i dunno, one more blog and then.. we leave her to the fate of the abyss, i suppose

Personnel #2 Could be worse

Personnel #1 Not really, but we'll tell her that anyway.

Personnel #2 So, whens the last blog gonna be?

Personnel #1 Pfft, whenever she gets off her arse and does it, i suppose

Personnel #2 Right. Well in that case I'll just go make sure the paints wet so we can go watch it dry some more..

Saturday 14th

Did everyone survive yesterday? Nothing bad happen to anyone?

I made myself eat a packet of Onion Bhaji crisps but other than that it was a boring normal day..

You know.. The crisp flavour competition?

I've finally 'collected the set' and 'caught them all', and having given into the marketing scam i bring you my thoughts so you dont have to. though, you still can if you want. I've got a few minutes spare (ok ive got forever but this shouldnt take long) so i'll go ahead with the details of my inner most thinking:


Cajun Squirrel- straight from the title you know half the flavours here are bogus. I'm sure some people have tried squirrel, probably with cajun seasoning, but i seriously doubt most people have. I haven't, so i don't know what flavour i'm meant to be looking for. After we tried them in a pub, established it just tasted like basic Cajun seasoning, i actually reckon theres no 'meat' flavouring involved whatsoever. Its just Cajun. Either way, a bit dissappointing really, and if it wins it'll just be its gimmicky title, which is a bit sad really.

Onion Bhaji- long ago in year 11 at high school i used to have crisps everyday. My favourite flavour then was roast chicken but i would also get curry a lot too. The fact that eating these crisps brought back strong memories of those.. horrible, claustrophic high school years is a good indication they must be using the same flavourings, only with a lot more onion in. Actually they taste a bit like curry mixed with cheese 'n' onion. I do like onion bhajis- preferably the next day with mint sauce- but with these crisps im not a fan, and furthermore too similar to crisp flavours you can already get.

Fish n Chips- Let me make the point i dont even like fish n chips. I was really impressed with these crisps.. really impressed! If you asked me to describe the flavour of battered fish, i couldnt really tell you.. i mean 'greasy' isnt really a flavour, is it? and batter is hardly distinctly tasting, and fresh cooked fish itself even less so. but it tasted richly of all these things.. and not in a bad way either! I felt compelled to order saveloy with it !

Chilli n Chocolate- obviously a lot of people are a bit freaked out by this one. Cocoa and chillies have been blended together by the Aztecs long before the Europeans tried it with milk, or cheap vegetable fat/ margarine in cadbury's case. I've had it before and it's pretty nice, it is to chocolate what gingerbread is to cookies.. the sweet and hot version. So i had no worries with trying this out.. but these crisps dont taste sweet or cocoaey at all, they just taste like.. chilli. Which is alright if you just want chilli i suppose, but then why not buy the thai chilli flavour instead or something? So.. a dissappointment.

Builders Breakfast- another one i was pleasantly surprised by. The first taste just tasted like smokey bacon -an all time favourite, so not a bad thing- but i was kinda hoping for something more builders breakfasty than that. After a few i got used to the bacon taste and it just tasted really strongly of sausage, and then egg.. again, not something i'd really thought of as having a flavour. Then i could taste ketchup too! perhaps the crisps are just lots of different flavours in the same bag? That would be cool.. like something out of Willy Wonka. Good show, guys! My only issue with it, if any, as a winner is the fact that it's still a load of flavours they already have..

Hoi Sin Crispy Duck- you cant go wrong with hoi sin duck can you really. Well.. maybe i was getting my hopes up, but these crisps tasted way too crude. They don't quite taste sweet enough, or meaty and crisped enough. perhaps hoi sin duck is just all about the texture. My dad tried some, and he concluded they tasted too chemically and artificial. I agree.. quite acceptable, but not as special as you'd hope.



Personal preference to win: I'd be happy with Hoi Sin Duck or Builders Breakfast, but.. If you can make me love a packet of crisps flavoured with something i don't even like, you're doing bloody good- Fish 'n' Chips to win!

You speak galactic esperanto? You understand: everyone take clothes off quick!

Just a note because i have found Barbarella online for free! yay!

(work from bottom up)

Post Script: Ive just finished reading it now. Hence new improved image. It's a good laugh.. the last few chapters were really frustrating though.. the evil(ish) queen was clearly up for it and seemed to be hitting on her but nothing happened! unbelievable! i kept thinking she [barbarella] was finally about to make a move but it never happened. man, she is such a frickin tease :@!

post post script: oops, sorry for ruining the ending! kinda.. not that the endings the point!

some people have been nice enough to take an interest in how the space doods are doing :D i keep forgetting that even though i've been taking pics of them, that doesnt actually mean that people know because i havent blogged it. anyway, the answers is:

1. all in all, its going well, a lot better than my pessimistic side expected actually!

2. it's not me.. my camera is unbearably shit at close-up detailed things. so is my phone, so is my webcam. also i need to do it on a better background. when this is done, im thinking i might pester/ advertise to friends with proper cameras to please help me take some actual proper pics..

3. im progressively finding enamel is a shit to work with, but im also progressively finding that its worth it. apart from 6 hour drying time, the white pot had gone solid after only a week or so (fortunately its only £1 a pot) worst of all.. it destroys all brushes. think you've got a nice, fine brush to do some detail with? turns out after dipping it in this stuff, no you haven't!

4. i got around the problem above by using a safety pin. no jokes.. im painting all the details with a safety pin, and its actually working pretty well. why didnt i think of it earlier? you can just wipe the paint off with a tissue when you go to a different colour. you dont even need water! rock on safety pins!

5. im not happy about colours though. i like bunny's helmet- red- but i did cats orange and its a bit crap. it clashes with all the yellow on his back. should i paint his red, with yellow trim as well? or blue with yellow? its driving me crazy.

6. some people have been suggesting additional ideas. one person has suggested i build a spaceship for them- i'd do it '50s rocket style, of course- which i'd love to do but it will require a lot of fimo to make a model on a convincing scale. another person suggested i make a lunar landing scene and a bunny/ cat flag. that too, would be fantastic.. but i'd have to think a bit more about how to do such a thing cheap yet good. perhaps these will happen.. but no promises, due to resources.

7. well, heres the pics. note that i also discovered you can take the heads and arms off! im glad i twigged that one before i started painting, it'd be just like me not to. anyway- thats why theyre bodies are strewn all over the desk- nothing nasty, like.

8. anyway, in short: Nearly done.

Immense goats

Last shot is the best

Issi gets politically correct

..and teaches the ignorant and offensive a lesson!

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Dear creators of the game 'Nine Mens Morris',

My friend's father is a real life morris dancer, and this game is an inaccurate, misrepresentation of the tradition. Furthermore, because of its harsh elimination process, it does not embody the jolly spirit of morris men. Please reconsider the ignorance and offensiveness of your games!

Yours, deeply offended

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Dear person with funky black n white hair,

My distant cousin has real life black and white hair because of a rare condition. He does not need you mocking him by dying your hair and looking cool. you are so ignorant and offensive.

Yours, utterly disgusted

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Dear makers of Smarties,

My friend is a real life smartie. He has a Masters degree in astrophysics and has worked on 3 European Space Agency projects. I find it ignorant and offensive that you are making money by associating your products with his kind. especially as they have nothing in common with him except that they are nice.

Yours, profoundly repulsed

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Dear people what make the sitting around in the house show,

I cannot believe what that ignorant and offensive bitch on your show said about that poor Indian girl. Some people on our street are real life Indians and her racism appalls me and its your fault that she has been on TV and said it, so you are also ignorant and offensive for letting it happen. i hate her, i hope she dies horribly or something, its the least she deserves.

Yours, unfathomably shocked

P.S. its so sad that she is dying of cancer, she's so brave cuz she doesn't deserve it

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Dear doll making people,

I'm pretty sure i think i heard my daughter's doll make a noise that sounded a bit like an implication that a non-christian religion intends good. I find this ignorant and offensive, because in real life all other religions are for baddies who were created by satan.

Yours, paralysingly disturbed

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Note: this post was brought to you by a Tongue In Cheek humour and is not to be taken seriously, you stupid fucks.

'Happy list of weekend fun'

Blah blah no fucking jobs for my jobseeking quota blah*, recession or own unqualified shitness, not sure? blah attempt to finish quota blah anti-procrastination effort; hence lots of material stacked up for day after sign on day and blah. blah blah blah every other wednesday blah effectively becomes bumper blog day, i spose, and blah blah blah. Well, in theory anyway.

having said that, i cant promise another quadruple bill episode, but i can offer a happy list of happy stuff from this weekend:


From russia with rabbits:

ok so its actually from japan, but its set in russia. I apologise to HPJ for effectively nicking it off his blog, but this stuff is such genius i just cant deal with not telling anyone. The sites mostly in japanese- but its pretty self explanatory- under the video are all the others, divided into tabs for season 1, 2 and 3. they arent't all playable, well they are.. on youtube, at a lower quality though.


Take-a-shit-simulator:

looking to relive the experience of an urgent shit? or just want to hone your shitting skills a little? you should test yourself out on the don't-shit-your-pants survival horror game, which recreates the whole ordeal in virtual text-based reality. I failed pretty horribly for the first few minutes, but fortunately i had a friend on hand who helped me finally get the door open, and saved the carpet a little. I apologise for this being another stolen link- again, i just couldnt keep it in.

Battered mars bars and other creamy treats:

i seem to have acquired an unusually strong (even for me) craving for donuts, milk choclate, milk shakes, smoothies and other sweet, gooey, comforting foods. i'm not sure, but i think its related to love and not being able to do anything about it. I'm keeping it under control though- getting fat would be kinda counter productive!


Retarded spam:

illustrated below, annotated in lolspeak for your enhanced pleasure.



I guess at least i dont have to worry about them using my details for shit- seems like they barely refer to it themselves.



"Howzthe 'folio goin??":

its ok. i will take pictures of my space dudes soon, and im working on another picture. so more to come, if i dont delete it all first.


Also, Bonobos!:

fuck yeh! because they are still too sexy for your corduroys!



*this is my attempt at eliminating the inevitable rant that would've happened otherwise. monday and today, for example, ive found one, single job im actually qualified to apply for in the southampton job banks - and its a 2 week position covering a sickness. sod that. I mean, its... ergh, ok, it's just annoying.