Saturday, 22 November 2008
One Thousand, Eighty Four Pounds and Forty Three Pence (Plus Two Pound Seventy Five Pence P&P)
I'm not saying it's not worth that much, but you can buy it at Forbidden Planet for £10.
Thursday, 6 November 2008
:(
I'm not sure if the hilarity of this is lost on people who didnt spend two years struggling at the hands of 3D Studio Max, with the "Aid" of some less than constructive tutoring, but i think its still a piece of genius. Apparently we graduated this time last year. Uni, i fucking miss you :(
Wednesday, 5 November 2008
'Wanna know my dieting secret?'
The following blog was inspired by fascinating articles like this.
Hi, It's Issi, I used to hate my body but i've just discovered an amazing new breakthrough dieting product! it's supposed to be a secret, but i just had to tell all my friends because the results are amazing!! I told my friend
It's an amazing new tea, called 'Be-You-Tea™'!! Thi
Varsi tea™ - an exotic indian herbal tea. instead of anti-nutrition technology, this drains you of anything interesting to say!
Densi tea™ - i cant work out what this one does!
Pu-Ree tea™ - this korean tea erases anything bad in your life. and anything good, too!
Sani tea™ - this african tea reminds you of when the world didnt make sense!
Imhatalla tea™ - a native american tea that promises you won't die after drinking it! about as scientifically sound as any of our other teas!
Sek Zhua Li tea™ - ever heard of expanding your hard drive? with this chinese tea, you can expand your sex drive at the same time!
Tuesday, 21 October 2008
With enough stupid sound effects you can get the hang of anything
By the way, what is it with japanese tv needing to put the face of some chick from the audience watching it in the corner? im not complaining or anything, i just think its a weird tradition.
Hidden floor
I was coming back from lunch in the lift yesterday, and even though ive worked at the ordnance survey for 10 months now, for the first time i noticed this:
You probably didn't notice, but see how there's a number missing?
On my way out of the building later that day i took the stairs. i consciously tried to look out for the second floor. i missed it the first time, so i went back. then i realised there was a third floor, and below it was the first floor.. no second floor!
I got out my security pass and i consulted my map:
Its suspicious. i mean its unlikely that one of the oldest, largest and most thorough cartographic organisations in the world would forget to map an entire floor of its own headquarters.. right?
I asked luke earle, man of wisdom, if he knew anything about it. "oh yeh," he explained, "thats where they keep the children to make the maps. they put them in mangles and use the skins to print with. because theyre more durable, i suppose" hm, i dunno.. luke has told me strange things before, and i dont think they were all true. like that time he said the beans in the canteen were nice and when he said its better to be vegetarian. so i think i'm gonna investigate this one myself.
You probably didn't notice, but see how there's a number missing?
On my way out of the building later that day i took the stairs. i consciously tried to look out for the second floor. i missed it the first time, so i went back. then i realised there was a third floor, and below it was the first floor.. no second floor!
I got out my security pass and i consulted my map:
Its suspicious. i mean its unlikely that one of the oldest, largest and most thorough cartographic organisations in the world would forget to map an entire floor of its own headquarters.. right?
I asked luke earle, man of wisdom, if he knew anything about it. "oh yeh," he explained, "thats where they keep the children to make the maps. they put them in mangles and use the skins to print with. because theyre more durable, i suppose" hm, i dunno.. luke has told me strange things before, and i dont think they were all true. like that time he said the beans in the canteen were nice and when he said its better to be vegetarian. so i think i'm gonna investigate this one myself.
Wednesday, 8 October 2008
Thoughts of an unemployed man
I just read the blog info on the side there and realised this blog appears to be some kind of profile for the powers that be to monitor my actions. i'm going to get on the case of this, and i'll get back to you when i know more. in the mean time, as a means of decoy i'm going to publish the work of fans. As such, here is a guest rant, posted in by the not so mysterious Lucky No 4:
Walking up the road towards my destination, Obi-Wan utters the immortal phrase “jobcentre plus, you will never find a bigger hive of scum and villainy.....”
ive been unemployed before, after graduating from uni with a degree in computer games design, i was naïve enough to think that i would be able to find a job in the industry. I was urged to get jobseekers allowance by my parents as i had to pay my national insurance stamp or something similar. The day after i signed up for this, my local jobcentre burnt down, so my sign on days were no more than: go into room, hand over book, have it signed, get it back, continue to look for jobs. Im not saying the staff were brimming with enthusiasm this time. When i told them one week that i had 2 interviews, one for a normal office job and the other for the games industry. “ok, sign here” was the reply. I was greeted with an equally enthusiastic response when i told them i had a job.
this time, things are different. The jobcentre hasnt burnt down. And running out of money, with a car to pay for, i had no choice but to sign on again. Now i accept that some people might not be very bright, and are therefore unemployed. They seem to slump into the jobcentre and ignore the staff asking them to “check the job banks while you wait” stinking of alcohol. They then tend to speak VERY LOUDLY into their phones, often asking one of their mates to “lend us a fiver” and generally moaning about their lives and the 6 kids they have to support (heres a thought, stop breeding!)
Now the thing that annoys me the most about this is that i could not be further from this profile, yet get the same treatment as these people, in fact possibly a lower standard of treatment. I am actively looking for work, and spend several hours a week scouring job pages to do so, unlike others who spend the week scouring the pages of the racing post, or just buying special brew. You seem to be seen as some sort of leper by the staff in these places. A leper on trial by the spanish inquisition for heresy. Any time you give an answer to a question you are not sure if you are going to be led into a room and tortured for the truth:
heres a kind of brief overview of my last interrogation, mixed in with my thoughts at the time:
Hello, how can we help? (she sounds nice, you kind of had to be there)
Well lets see.......you could look at me with utter disdain, oh sorry youre doing that already. Ok, well how about muttering everything you say so its really difficult to understand? Oh you do that too!? Wow, ok. How about making me feel like im a piece of sub human scum thats lying about the amount of jobs i have applied for since the last time was in? You do THAT already too! Wow you guys here at the jobcentre plus really did think of everything didnt you?
(vacant stare)
So anyway, i go on to tell the “helpful and friendly” staff member of the 12+ jobs ive applied for in the last week and a half, and how ive just downloaded another 6 from their “job banks” to be greeted with the same vacant, almost zombie like stare. After an awkward couple of seconds debating in my head if i am still supposed to be talking, the helpful staff member turns her monitor to face me. Another awkward few seconds ensue.......am i supposed to be reading whats on the screen? Am i supposed to be looking at the results of the lie detector test theyve secretly used on me to check if i have been looking for work!? Who knows! The silence continues......
the list on the screen is of jobs that are in the area im looking for so i scroll down the list with my eyes, only to realise i have ALL of these jobs printed off and currently in my hand. “yeh, i think ive got the details for all of them”
silence, vacant stare. Then suddenly, movement, the “helpful” member of staff turns the screen to face herself, uses the middle mouse button to scroll down the list, turns it back to face me, revealing THREE WHOLE JOBS that were not on the list before hand, none of which are relevant to me.
Yeh, i think ive applied for all of them.........
silence, vacant stare....................right, thats it, youre done.
Oh well actually i was asked to bring in my P45 from my last employer today as i forgot it last time.
OH MY GOD!!!! what have i done!?!?! ive actually asked them to read something that i have brought in!?!? and DO something useful!?!?!?! the look of vacant disdain changes to a look of vacant disdain with a hint of anger, the P45 is taken from me to a guy i spoke to when i signed up for jobseekers allowance, who was actually helpful.
You gotta keep that bit, we keep this bit.........vacant stare is back as responsibility has been passed to a different member of staff.
Ok then, bye. I leave, my soul consumed and my enthusiasm in tatters, good job jobcentre plus, youve really given me motivation for my job search in the future.
Thanks to: LuckyNo4
Walking up the road towards my destination, Obi-Wan utters the immortal phrase “jobcentre plus, you will never find a bigger hive of scum and villainy.....”
ive been unemployed before, after graduating from uni with a degree in computer games design, i was naïve enough to think that i would be able to find a job in the industry. I was urged to get jobseekers allowance by my parents as i had to pay my national insurance stamp or something similar. The day after i signed up for this, my local jobcentre burnt down, so my sign on days were no more than: go into room, hand over book, have it signed, get it back, continue to look for jobs. Im not saying the staff were brimming with enthusiasm this time. When i told them one week that i had 2 interviews, one for a normal office job and the other for the games industry. “ok, sign here” was the reply. I was greeted with an equally enthusiastic response when i told them i had a job.
this time, things are different. The jobcentre hasnt burnt down. And running out of money, with a car to pay for, i had no choice but to sign on again. Now i accept that some people might not be very bright, and are therefore unemployed. They seem to slump into the jobcentre and ignore the staff asking them to “check the job banks while you wait” stinking of alcohol. They then tend to speak VERY LOUDLY into their phones, often asking one of their mates to “lend us a fiver” and generally moaning about their lives and the 6 kids they have to support (heres a thought, stop breeding!)
Now the thing that annoys me the most about this is that i could not be further from this profile, yet get the same treatment as these people, in fact possibly a lower standard of treatment. I am actively looking for work, and spend several hours a week scouring job pages to do so, unlike others who spend the week scouring the pages of the racing post, or just buying special brew. You seem to be seen as some sort of leper by the staff in these places. A leper on trial by the spanish inquisition for heresy. Any time you give an answer to a question you are not sure if you are going to be led into a room and tortured for the truth:
heres a kind of brief overview of my last interrogation, mixed in with my thoughts at the time:
Hello, how can we help? (she sounds nice, you kind of had to be there)
Well lets see.......you could look at me with utter disdain, oh sorry youre doing that already. Ok, well how about muttering everything you say so its really difficult to understand? Oh you do that too!? Wow, ok. How about making me feel like im a piece of sub human scum thats lying about the amount of jobs i have applied for since the last time was in? You do THAT already too! Wow you guys here at the jobcentre plus really did think of everything didnt you?
(vacant stare)
So anyway, i go on to tell the “helpful and friendly” staff member of the 12+ jobs ive applied for in the last week and a half, and how ive just downloaded another 6 from their “job banks” to be greeted with the same vacant, almost zombie like stare. After an awkward couple of seconds debating in my head if i am still supposed to be talking, the helpful staff member turns her monitor to face me. Another awkward few seconds ensue.......am i supposed to be reading whats on the screen? Am i supposed to be looking at the results of the lie detector test theyve secretly used on me to check if i have been looking for work!? Who knows! The silence continues......
the list on the screen is of jobs that are in the area im looking for so i scroll down the list with my eyes, only to realise i have ALL of these jobs printed off and currently in my hand. “yeh, i think ive got the details for all of them”
silence, vacant stare. Then suddenly, movement, the “helpful” member of staff turns the screen to face herself, uses the middle mouse button to scroll down the list, turns it back to face me, revealing THREE WHOLE JOBS that were not on the list before hand, none of which are relevant to me.
Yeh, i think ive applied for all of them.........
silence, vacant stare....................right, thats it, youre done.
Oh well actually i was asked to bring in my P45 from my last employer today as i forgot it last time.
OH MY GOD!!!! what have i done!?!?! ive actually asked them to read something that i have brought in!?!? and DO something useful!?!?!?! the look of vacant disdain changes to a look of vacant disdain with a hint of anger, the P45 is taken from me to a guy i spoke to when i signed up for jobseekers allowance, who was actually helpful.
You gotta keep that bit, we keep this bit.........vacant stare is back as responsibility has been passed to a different member of staff.
Ok then, bye. I leave, my soul consumed and my enthusiasm in tatters, good job jobcentre plus, youve really given me motivation for my job search in the future.
Thanks to: LuckyNo4
Tuesday, 7 October 2008
GUUUUUUAAPAAAAAAAAA
I'm speechless. tonights conversation with Ron just produced the following:
Ron says (20:01):
i was watching the spanish football round up today and saw something that made me piss myself laughing
Ron says (20:02):
basically they have a feature of the best skills or goals of the week, and this voiceover shouts GUAPA!!!! which means, beautiful football etc, but its the way he says it. i found a vid on youtube 2 secs
My reaction follows like this:
Issi says (20:04):
what
Issi says (20:04):
the
Issi says (20:04):
fuck
Ron says (20:04):
lol
Ron says (20:05):
so now you see?
Issi says (20:05):
so
Issi says (20:05):
basically
Issi says (20:05):
spanish footie commentators are mentally ill?
Ron says (20:06):
possibly
Issi says (20:06):
i cant believe this is happening to me.. thayts just fuckin weird
Issi says (20:06):
i cant even type properly! im so shocked by this
Ron says (20:07):
lol, so is it wrong that im curled over laughing?
Issi says (20:07):
i keep replaying it and its just seems less sense in it everytime
Issi says (20:07):
WHAT THE FUCK?
Issi says (20:08):
its the fact he keeps saying it??
Ron says (20:08):
if it were english i spose they would just be shouting BRILLIANT!!! or something
Issi says (20:09):
yeh, but in english it'd be MORE THAN ONE SPAZZY WORD
Ron says (20:01):
i was watching the spanish football round up today and saw something that made me piss myself laughing
Ron says (20:02):
basically they have a feature of the best skills or goals of the week, and this voiceover shouts GUAPA!!!! which means, beautiful football etc, but its the way he says it. i found a vid on youtube 2 secs
My reaction follows like this:
Issi says (20:04):
what
Issi says (20:04):
the
Issi says (20:04):
fuck
Ron says (20:04):
lol
Ron says (20:05):
so now you see?
Issi says (20:05):
so
Issi says (20:05):
basically
Issi says (20:05):
spanish footie commentators are mentally ill?
Ron says (20:06):
possibly
Issi says (20:06):
i cant believe this is happening to me.. thayts just fuckin weird
Issi says (20:06):
i cant even type properly! im so shocked by this
Ron says (20:07):
lol, so is it wrong that im curled over laughing?
Issi says (20:07):
i keep replaying it and its just seems less sense in it everytime
Issi says (20:07):
WHAT THE FUCK?
Issi says (20:08):
its the fact he keeps saying it??
Ron says (20:08):
if it were english i spose they would just be shouting BRILLIANT!!! or something
Issi says (20:09):
yeh, but in english it'd be MORE THAN ONE SPAZZY WORD
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