Tuesday, 21 October 2008
With enough stupid sound effects you can get the hang of anything
By the way, what is it with japanese tv needing to put the face of some chick from the audience watching it in the corner? im not complaining or anything, i just think its a weird tradition.
Hidden floor
I was coming back from lunch in the lift yesterday, and even though ive worked at the ordnance survey for 10 months now, for the first time i noticed this:
You probably didn't notice, but see how there's a number missing?
On my way out of the building later that day i took the stairs. i consciously tried to look out for the second floor. i missed it the first time, so i went back. then i realised there was a third floor, and below it was the first floor.. no second floor!
I got out my security pass and i consulted my map:
Its suspicious. i mean its unlikely that one of the oldest, largest and most thorough cartographic organisations in the world would forget to map an entire floor of its own headquarters.. right?
I asked luke earle, man of wisdom, if he knew anything about it. "oh yeh," he explained, "thats where they keep the children to make the maps. they put them in mangles and use the skins to print with. because theyre more durable, i suppose" hm, i dunno.. luke has told me strange things before, and i dont think they were all true. like that time he said the beans in the canteen were nice and when he said its better to be vegetarian. so i think i'm gonna investigate this one myself.
You probably didn't notice, but see how there's a number missing?
On my way out of the building later that day i took the stairs. i consciously tried to look out for the second floor. i missed it the first time, so i went back. then i realised there was a third floor, and below it was the first floor.. no second floor!
I got out my security pass and i consulted my map:
Its suspicious. i mean its unlikely that one of the oldest, largest and most thorough cartographic organisations in the world would forget to map an entire floor of its own headquarters.. right?
I asked luke earle, man of wisdom, if he knew anything about it. "oh yeh," he explained, "thats where they keep the children to make the maps. they put them in mangles and use the skins to print with. because theyre more durable, i suppose" hm, i dunno.. luke has told me strange things before, and i dont think they were all true. like that time he said the beans in the canteen were nice and when he said its better to be vegetarian. so i think i'm gonna investigate this one myself.
Wednesday, 8 October 2008
Thoughts of an unemployed man
I just read the blog info on the side there and realised this blog appears to be some kind of profile for the powers that be to monitor my actions. i'm going to get on the case of this, and i'll get back to you when i know more. in the mean time, as a means of decoy i'm going to publish the work of fans. As such, here is a guest rant, posted in by the not so mysterious Lucky No 4:
Walking up the road towards my destination, Obi-Wan utters the immortal phrase “jobcentre plus, you will never find a bigger hive of scum and villainy.....”
ive been unemployed before, after graduating from uni with a degree in computer games design, i was naïve enough to think that i would be able to find a job in the industry. I was urged to get jobseekers allowance by my parents as i had to pay my national insurance stamp or something similar. The day after i signed up for this, my local jobcentre burnt down, so my sign on days were no more than: go into room, hand over book, have it signed, get it back, continue to look for jobs. Im not saying the staff were brimming with enthusiasm this time. When i told them one week that i had 2 interviews, one for a normal office job and the other for the games industry. “ok, sign here” was the reply. I was greeted with an equally enthusiastic response when i told them i had a job.
this time, things are different. The jobcentre hasnt burnt down. And running out of money, with a car to pay for, i had no choice but to sign on again. Now i accept that some people might not be very bright, and are therefore unemployed. They seem to slump into the jobcentre and ignore the staff asking them to “check the job banks while you wait” stinking of alcohol. They then tend to speak VERY LOUDLY into their phones, often asking one of their mates to “lend us a fiver” and generally moaning about their lives and the 6 kids they have to support (heres a thought, stop breeding!)
Now the thing that annoys me the most about this is that i could not be further from this profile, yet get the same treatment as these people, in fact possibly a lower standard of treatment. I am actively looking for work, and spend several hours a week scouring job pages to do so, unlike others who spend the week scouring the pages of the racing post, or just buying special brew. You seem to be seen as some sort of leper by the staff in these places. A leper on trial by the spanish inquisition for heresy. Any time you give an answer to a question you are not sure if you are going to be led into a room and tortured for the truth:
heres a kind of brief overview of my last interrogation, mixed in with my thoughts at the time:
Hello, how can we help? (she sounds nice, you kind of had to be there)
Well lets see.......you could look at me with utter disdain, oh sorry youre doing that already. Ok, well how about muttering everything you say so its really difficult to understand? Oh you do that too!? Wow, ok. How about making me feel like im a piece of sub human scum thats lying about the amount of jobs i have applied for since the last time was in? You do THAT already too! Wow you guys here at the jobcentre plus really did think of everything didnt you?
(vacant stare)
So anyway, i go on to tell the “helpful and friendly” staff member of the 12+ jobs ive applied for in the last week and a half, and how ive just downloaded another 6 from their “job banks” to be greeted with the same vacant, almost zombie like stare. After an awkward couple of seconds debating in my head if i am still supposed to be talking, the helpful staff member turns her monitor to face me. Another awkward few seconds ensue.......am i supposed to be reading whats on the screen? Am i supposed to be looking at the results of the lie detector test theyve secretly used on me to check if i have been looking for work!? Who knows! The silence continues......
the list on the screen is of jobs that are in the area im looking for so i scroll down the list with my eyes, only to realise i have ALL of these jobs printed off and currently in my hand. “yeh, i think ive got the details for all of them”
silence, vacant stare. Then suddenly, movement, the “helpful” member of staff turns the screen to face herself, uses the middle mouse button to scroll down the list, turns it back to face me, revealing THREE WHOLE JOBS that were not on the list before hand, none of which are relevant to me.
Yeh, i think ive applied for all of them.........
silence, vacant stare....................right, thats it, youre done.
Oh well actually i was asked to bring in my P45 from my last employer today as i forgot it last time.
OH MY GOD!!!! what have i done!?!?! ive actually asked them to read something that i have brought in!?!? and DO something useful!?!?!?! the look of vacant disdain changes to a look of vacant disdain with a hint of anger, the P45 is taken from me to a guy i spoke to when i signed up for jobseekers allowance, who was actually helpful.
You gotta keep that bit, we keep this bit.........vacant stare is back as responsibility has been passed to a different member of staff.
Ok then, bye. I leave, my soul consumed and my enthusiasm in tatters, good job jobcentre plus, youve really given me motivation for my job search in the future.
Thanks to: LuckyNo4
Walking up the road towards my destination, Obi-Wan utters the immortal phrase “jobcentre plus, you will never find a bigger hive of scum and villainy.....”
ive been unemployed before, after graduating from uni with a degree in computer games design, i was naïve enough to think that i would be able to find a job in the industry. I was urged to get jobseekers allowance by my parents as i had to pay my national insurance stamp or something similar. The day after i signed up for this, my local jobcentre burnt down, so my sign on days were no more than: go into room, hand over book, have it signed, get it back, continue to look for jobs. Im not saying the staff were brimming with enthusiasm this time. When i told them one week that i had 2 interviews, one for a normal office job and the other for the games industry. “ok, sign here” was the reply. I was greeted with an equally enthusiastic response when i told them i had a job.
this time, things are different. The jobcentre hasnt burnt down. And running out of money, with a car to pay for, i had no choice but to sign on again. Now i accept that some people might not be very bright, and are therefore unemployed. They seem to slump into the jobcentre and ignore the staff asking them to “check the job banks while you wait” stinking of alcohol. They then tend to speak VERY LOUDLY into their phones, often asking one of their mates to “lend us a fiver” and generally moaning about their lives and the 6 kids they have to support (heres a thought, stop breeding!)
Now the thing that annoys me the most about this is that i could not be further from this profile, yet get the same treatment as these people, in fact possibly a lower standard of treatment. I am actively looking for work, and spend several hours a week scouring job pages to do so, unlike others who spend the week scouring the pages of the racing post, or just buying special brew. You seem to be seen as some sort of leper by the staff in these places. A leper on trial by the spanish inquisition for heresy. Any time you give an answer to a question you are not sure if you are going to be led into a room and tortured for the truth:
heres a kind of brief overview of my last interrogation, mixed in with my thoughts at the time:
Hello, how can we help? (she sounds nice, you kind of had to be there)
Well lets see.......you could look at me with utter disdain, oh sorry youre doing that already. Ok, well how about muttering everything you say so its really difficult to understand? Oh you do that too!? Wow, ok. How about making me feel like im a piece of sub human scum thats lying about the amount of jobs i have applied for since the last time was in? You do THAT already too! Wow you guys here at the jobcentre plus really did think of everything didnt you?
(vacant stare)
So anyway, i go on to tell the “helpful and friendly” staff member of the 12+ jobs ive applied for in the last week and a half, and how ive just downloaded another 6 from their “job banks” to be greeted with the same vacant, almost zombie like stare. After an awkward couple of seconds debating in my head if i am still supposed to be talking, the helpful staff member turns her monitor to face me. Another awkward few seconds ensue.......am i supposed to be reading whats on the screen? Am i supposed to be looking at the results of the lie detector test theyve secretly used on me to check if i have been looking for work!? Who knows! The silence continues......
the list on the screen is of jobs that are in the area im looking for so i scroll down the list with my eyes, only to realise i have ALL of these jobs printed off and currently in my hand. “yeh, i think ive got the details for all of them”
silence, vacant stare. Then suddenly, movement, the “helpful” member of staff turns the screen to face herself, uses the middle mouse button to scroll down the list, turns it back to face me, revealing THREE WHOLE JOBS that were not on the list before hand, none of which are relevant to me.
Yeh, i think ive applied for all of them.........
silence, vacant stare....................right, thats it, youre done.
Oh well actually i was asked to bring in my P45 from my last employer today as i forgot it last time.
OH MY GOD!!!! what have i done!?!?! ive actually asked them to read something that i have brought in!?!? and DO something useful!?!?!?! the look of vacant disdain changes to a look of vacant disdain with a hint of anger, the P45 is taken from me to a guy i spoke to when i signed up for jobseekers allowance, who was actually helpful.
You gotta keep that bit, we keep this bit.........vacant stare is back as responsibility has been passed to a different member of staff.
Ok then, bye. I leave, my soul consumed and my enthusiasm in tatters, good job jobcentre plus, youve really given me motivation for my job search in the future.
Thanks to: LuckyNo4
Tuesday, 7 October 2008
GUUUUUUAAPAAAAAAAAA
I'm speechless. tonights conversation with Ron just produced the following:
Ron says (20:01):
i was watching the spanish football round up today and saw something that made me piss myself laughing
Ron says (20:02):
basically they have a feature of the best skills or goals of the week, and this voiceover shouts GUAPA!!!! which means, beautiful football etc, but its the way he says it. i found a vid on youtube 2 secs
My reaction follows like this:
Issi says (20:04):
what
Issi says (20:04):
the
Issi says (20:04):
fuck
Ron says (20:04):
lol
Ron says (20:05):
so now you see?
Issi says (20:05):
so
Issi says (20:05):
basically
Issi says (20:05):
spanish footie commentators are mentally ill?
Ron says (20:06):
possibly
Issi says (20:06):
i cant believe this is happening to me.. thayts just fuckin weird
Issi says (20:06):
i cant even type properly! im so shocked by this
Ron says (20:07):
lol, so is it wrong that im curled over laughing?
Issi says (20:07):
i keep replaying it and its just seems less sense in it everytime
Issi says (20:07):
WHAT THE FUCK?
Issi says (20:08):
its the fact he keeps saying it??
Ron says (20:08):
if it were english i spose they would just be shouting BRILLIANT!!! or something
Issi says (20:09):
yeh, but in english it'd be MORE THAN ONE SPAZZY WORD
Ron says (20:01):
i was watching the spanish football round up today and saw something that made me piss myself laughing
Ron says (20:02):
basically they have a feature of the best skills or goals of the week, and this voiceover shouts GUAPA!!!! which means, beautiful football etc, but its the way he says it. i found a vid on youtube 2 secs
My reaction follows like this:
Issi says (20:04):
what
Issi says (20:04):
the
Issi says (20:04):
fuck
Ron says (20:04):
lol
Ron says (20:05):
so now you see?
Issi says (20:05):
so
Issi says (20:05):
basically
Issi says (20:05):
spanish footie commentators are mentally ill?
Ron says (20:06):
possibly
Issi says (20:06):
i cant believe this is happening to me.. thayts just fuckin weird
Issi says (20:06):
i cant even type properly! im so shocked by this
Ron says (20:07):
lol, so is it wrong that im curled over laughing?
Issi says (20:07):
i keep replaying it and its just seems less sense in it everytime
Issi says (20:07):
WHAT THE FUCK?
Issi says (20:08):
its the fact he keeps saying it??
Ron says (20:08):
if it were english i spose they would just be shouting BRILLIANT!!! or something
Issi says (20:09):
yeh, but in english it'd be MORE THAN ONE SPAZZY WORD
Monday, 6 October 2008
James Clark
Congrats to james clark for having possibly the most generic name ever. I just did a search for him on facebook. it retrieved 4 different james clarkes who all seem to share a different mutual friend with me, and none of them was my mate james clarke who i was looking for.
Yeh, i know its also a bit weird that i know 4 different adams, but thats another matter.
Yeh, i know its also a bit weird that i know 4 different adams, but thats another matter.
Sunday, 5 October 2008
Day in the life
well, perhaps you might wonder what i do all day. this won't give you any insight.. but i feel like posting it anyway.
6:30 am was woken by my new phone. hate myself for agreeing to do overtime today. superficially think it might be worth it for the £70. promise myself i can come back on the bus n go straight to sleep again afterwards. go back to sleep.
6:45 am get woken by my old phone. start having a debate with myself about how peter griffin on family guy is not that great a character. this debate seems heated enough to get me out of the bed.
7:20 am finally got dressed, and finish the debate by agreeing that although he is nowhere near as original or popular as stewie or brian, he is still perhaps necessary as an anchor for the show. find riceball test subject #1 in the fridge, wrap it in seaweed.
7:30 am make it out the door and see its tipping with rain. at least its only tipping, i can make it to the bus stop in this. and at least there won't be anyone about so i wont have to feel embarrased about my fashion sense today. anyway, riceball #1 is nice, so its not all bad yet.
7:40 am - occurs to me that there might not be any buses today. a number 10 bus arrives. faced with a dilemna. do i take the number 10 bus and only get half way to work and walk the rest in the rain, or wait around indefinitely just in case theres a number 8? the decision is killing me.. and i miss the number 10 as a result.
7:50 am. electronic timetable screen machine still showing nothing. figures, there will be no number 8. fuck, im walking to work. in the pissing rain. and ive got 10 minutes.
20 minutes in, the rain is turning torrential and i feel miserable as fuck. drenched. definitely no fucking buses. everything is streaky and grey, stupid glasses. tassels on my hat looking droopier than ever, damn right. fucking work, i mean what the fuck? note to self: double time is not worth this. stupid double time. 'ooh 70 quid!' yeh fuck you, and fuck you fucking rain. my shoes are getting heavier. and cold. even my bra is wet. unbelievable.
8:30 am. finally make it to the ordnance survey. glance across the bleak grey sodden carpark to confirm there is no life. across the road.. hoorah! the lights in the spar are on! maybe theres people inside.. and warmth! get inside, buy a box of teacakes. old indian lady serves me. oh indian lady, ive never been so happy to see you!!
walk back over the flooded carpark. get up to the door, which isnt opening. have to call security. he talks over the intercom a bit, couldnt make out a single word he said. the door opened.
8:40 am. 40 minutes late, fuck em. they should be lucky i got here. 'oh, i could've given you a lift!' announces alex. '..oh yeh? so why didnt you!??' Fortunately, the exchanging of teacakes and cookies and various other 'overtime treats' lightens my mood.
sit down, after removing as much clothing as is socially acceptable. put my walkman on, any music will do. As if to prove the universe has a sense of humour, 'head like a hole' comes on.
9:00 am Realise im actually still shaking with freezingness. cant seem to shed anymore clothing without disrupting the peace as it were. cant find any dry objects to wrap around me either. while going to make myself a cup of coffee, i dawn on a solution: i find an empty coffee jar in the kitchen. cleaned it out, filled it with boiling hot water from the boiling hot water dispensing machine on the wall. it warms me, like a hot water bottle.. sigh, oh hot water coffee jar.. how i love you!
10:00 After slowly warming up, work doesnt seem so bad anymore. Kasabian comes on the walkman.. ho shit! i love kasabian.. im happy again! but still cold.. though less so where lovely coffee jar is touching me.
10:30 breaktime, time for riceball test subject #2, which was wrapped in seaweed before going in the fridge. agree that #2 is nicer. today has not passed without an achievement.
11:00 start arranging the teacakes, cookies and muffins in a line on the desk in the order i'd like to eat them in. the line will, of course, be subject to change as the day goes on. probably feeling around 40% warmer.
11:30 fat christian girl next to me has started pointing out stupid things on the aerial photography. fields of sheep, mostly. she sure is hilarious with her stories of sheep. why dont u go find the chalk picture of the dude with the big dick.
12:00 fat christian girl next to me offers to give me a lift back. woopee! i knew being nice to her and ignoring her horribleness would pay off! Alex also offers me a lift.. dunno, isnt going home with a middle aged guy a bit weird? no wait, i have done that before. well, quite, and that WAS weird.. actually no, this wont be the same. ah fuck whatever, he lives closer so why not.
13:00 despite being 40 minutes down, im fuckin outta here. jump in alex's car. feel guilty about the rubbish in my hand so i dont put it down. uncertain if the silence on the way back is a pleasant or awkward one, i choose to go with pleasant. after 10 minutes we're at mine. as he quite rightly points out.. its nicer this way. i knew that.
13:10 take off all my clothes and put the fan heater on. put on NIN and dance around the room, causing some more damage to the springs in the mattress on the way. meh, i was already gonna have to replace it anyway. check through lovefilm dvds, remembering i havent watched any in a week.
13:20 collapse on my bed like i promised myself i could. got a text from a mate which reminds me about this blog. figured i should see if i can get away with writing any old trash.. like this.
13:40 start writing all this blog
15:00 got horny so took a writing break. fell asleep.
17:00 (roundabouts) came back, started finishing this off.
17:47 wrote this very sentence.
huh? ....fuck! ive got a life to live! see ya later folks!
6:30 am was woken by my new phone. hate myself for agreeing to do overtime today. superficially think it might be worth it for the £70. promise myself i can come back on the bus n go straight to sleep again afterwards. go back to sleep.
6:45 am get woken by my old phone. start having a debate with myself about how peter griffin on family guy is not that great a character. this debate seems heated enough to get me out of the bed.
7:20 am finally got dressed, and finish the debate by agreeing that although he is nowhere near as original or popular as stewie or brian, he is still perhaps necessary as an anchor for the show. find riceball test subject #1 in the fridge, wrap it in seaweed.
7:30 am make it out the door and see its tipping with rain. at least its only tipping, i can make it to the bus stop in this. and at least there won't be anyone about so i wont have to feel embarrased about my fashion sense today. anyway, riceball #1 is nice, so its not all bad yet.
7:40 am - occurs to me that there might not be any buses today. a number 10 bus arrives. faced with a dilemna. do i take the number 10 bus and only get half way to work and walk the rest in the rain, or wait around indefinitely just in case theres a number 8? the decision is killing me.. and i miss the number 10 as a result.
7:50 am. electronic timetable screen machine still showing nothing. figures, there will be no number 8. fuck, im walking to work. in the pissing rain. and ive got 10 minutes.
20 minutes in, the rain is turning torrential and i feel miserable as fuck. drenched. definitely no fucking buses. everything is streaky and grey, stupid glasses. tassels on my hat looking droopier than ever, damn right. fucking work, i mean what the fuck? note to self: double time is not worth this. stupid double time. 'ooh 70 quid!' yeh fuck you, and fuck you fucking rain. my shoes are getting heavier. and cold. even my bra is wet. unbelievable.
8:30 am. finally make it to the ordnance survey. glance across the bleak grey sodden carpark to confirm there is no life. across the road.. hoorah! the lights in the spar are on! maybe theres people inside.. and warmth! get inside, buy a box of teacakes. old indian lady serves me. oh indian lady, ive never been so happy to see you!!
walk back over the flooded carpark. get up to the door, which isnt opening. have to call security. he talks over the intercom a bit, couldnt make out a single word he said. the door opened.
8:40 am. 40 minutes late, fuck em. they should be lucky i got here. 'oh, i could've given you a lift!' announces alex. '..oh yeh? so why didnt you!??' Fortunately, the exchanging of teacakes and cookies and various other 'overtime treats' lightens my mood.
sit down, after removing as much clothing as is socially acceptable. put my walkman on, any music will do. As if to prove the universe has a sense of humour, 'head like a hole' comes on.
9:00 am Realise im actually still shaking with freezingness. cant seem to shed anymore clothing without disrupting the peace as it were. cant find any dry objects to wrap around me either. while going to make myself a cup of coffee, i dawn on a solution: i find an empty coffee jar in the kitchen. cleaned it out, filled it with boiling hot water from the boiling hot water dispensing machine on the wall. it warms me, like a hot water bottle.. sigh, oh hot water coffee jar.. how i love you!
10:00 After slowly warming up, work doesnt seem so bad anymore. Kasabian comes on the walkman.. ho shit! i love kasabian.. im happy again! but still cold.. though less so where lovely coffee jar is touching me.
10:30 breaktime, time for riceball test subject #2, which was wrapped in seaweed before going in the fridge. agree that #2 is nicer. today has not passed without an achievement.
11:00 start arranging the teacakes, cookies and muffins in a line on the desk in the order i'd like to eat them in. the line will, of course, be subject to change as the day goes on. probably feeling around 40% warmer.
11:30 fat christian girl next to me has started pointing out stupid things on the aerial photography. fields of sheep, mostly. she sure is hilarious with her stories of sheep. why dont u go find the chalk picture of the dude with the big dick.
12:00 fat christian girl next to me offers to give me a lift back. woopee! i knew being nice to her and ignoring her horribleness would pay off! Alex also offers me a lift.. dunno, isnt going home with a middle aged guy a bit weird? no wait, i have done that before. well, quite, and that WAS weird.. actually no, this wont be the same. ah fuck whatever, he lives closer so why not.
13:00 despite being 40 minutes down, im fuckin outta here. jump in alex's car. feel guilty about the rubbish in my hand so i dont put it down. uncertain if the silence on the way back is a pleasant or awkward one, i choose to go with pleasant. after 10 minutes we're at mine. as he quite rightly points out.. its nicer this way. i knew that.
13:10 take off all my clothes and put the fan heater on. put on NIN and dance around the room, causing some more damage to the springs in the mattress on the way. meh, i was already gonna have to replace it anyway. check through lovefilm dvds, remembering i havent watched any in a week.
13:20 collapse on my bed like i promised myself i could. got a text from a mate which reminds me about this blog. figured i should see if i can get away with writing any old trash.. like this.
13:40 start writing all this blog
15:00 got horny so took a writing break. fell asleep.
17:00 (roundabouts) came back, started finishing this off.
17:47 wrote this very sentence.
huh? ....fuck! ive got a life to live! see ya later folks!
Thursday, 2 October 2008
Clickey-click pic:
There's long been debate about whether or not the Americans ever actually made it to the moon. Anyone who's researched the Apollo projects will appreciate that if they did, they made it there in something that is, in the light of today's technology, comparable to a tin can with rockets and the equivalent computer processing power of a cheap mobile phone. That was the 60s, technology was limited, and that was America.. where everything has to be done right here right now, faster and cheaper than anybody else. The whole feat was stunning and so impressive its only understandable that some people feel the need to question it.
China on the other hand has a more time-honouring culture, with a history of huge long term projects for big, lasting goals. They have no direct competitors on this one, and all the time in the world to hone things down to an art.
If, it is true that the Americans never really made it, then ill bet the Chinese definitely will.
...oooooooh, yeh i said that.
There's long been debate about whether or not the Americans ever actually made it to the moon. Anyone who's researched the Apollo projects will appreciate that if they did, they made it there in something that is, in the light of today's technology, comparable to a tin can with rockets and the equivalent computer processing power of a cheap mobile phone. That was the 60s, technology was limited, and that was America.. where everything has to be done right here right now, faster and cheaper than anybody else. The whole feat was stunning and so impressive its only understandable that some people feel the need to question it.
China on the other hand has a more time-honouring culture, with a history of huge long term projects for big, lasting goals. They have no direct competitors on this one, and all the time in the world to hone things down to an art.
If, it is true that the Americans never really made it, then ill bet the Chinese definitely will.
...oooooooh, yeh i said that.
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